Are You Guilty of the #1 Communication Mistake Couples Make?

If you’ve heard your partner say these three words “…you’re not listening!”, you’re not alone!

Therapist Clinton Powers says it’s the number-one communication mistake couples make. It’s also our experience in our workshops – one partner (and perhaps both) often are not listening to each other – in a communication workshop!


Usually, we find that only the first ~10 seconds of a partner’s speech is taken in by the listener – then, s/he tunes out to begin formulating their response, missing much, if not most, of what the speaker was trying to say – with the result that the ‘reply’ is often inaccurate, inappropriate and downright irritating to hear.

This triggers The Spiral Down:


When your partner hears this kind of reply from you, they can only listen for – you guessed it – about 10 seconds before they are not listening, preoccupied with their own reply to you, often with considerable tonality, and away you both go into deeper and deeper dis-agreement and dis-connection. Durn! How do we get out of this trap?


Three Basic Steps to Staying Connected and avoid the “You’re Not Listening” trap:


First Ask if they’re available before launching into whatever is up for you.

While this may seem incredibly obvious or, perhaps unnecessary, we’ve observed this simple courtesy is often neglected. With the result that a partner who may be preoccupied or otherwise unavailable is now perfectly set-up for a conversation going downhill in a hurry. Always ask first “… hey, got a moment? I’d like to run something by you…” If it’s an important topic, you might want to be even more respectful and Set An Appointment to make sure your partner is more able to focus on what it is you want to say.


Second – Listen with the intent of accurately reflecting back what you hear.

This one simple principle can spiral you and your partner upward into true understanding and juicy connection! Listen carefully, paying attention to what you hear. Hold up a hand if s/he is saying more than you can take in, then reflect back what you’ve understood so far. Once s/he has confirmed you’re on track – or corrected what you didn’t get, ask “Is there More?”

These three words are perhaps the sweetest sound a speaker ever hears! So give your partner the gift of your presence and keep listening with the intent of accurately reflecting what they say. Once they are complete, attempt a brief summary by saying “…if I got it, you’ve said ………………” – “Did I get it all?” (Be prepared to be adored by your partner, who may never have had such respectful and connected a conversation ??


Third – Validate their thinking and feelings.

While you don’t have to agree with what’s been said, you need to let your partner know what they say makes sense. This can be hard. We often mistake validation with agreement. It is not. Validation simply says you see, based on how they are thinking, how their conclusions make sense.

Not that you necessarily agree, but that their internal logic makes sense. Just as our own internal logic makes sense to us. This is crucial to understand and do; it literally tells our partner that we don’t think they are crazy – something that often we imply by our rolled eyes or sighs or frowns!

So validate people, especially your partner. You’ll be amazed at how forwarding this is in a relationship.


Once you can do these three steps, you will find there are very few times when you could be called out as “….not listening to me”! And, in being more engaged, you could find your partnership much more enlivened and joyful!

Resources:
Harville Hendricks & Hellen LaKelly Hunt “4 Steps to Healthy Communication”
https://www.oprah.com/relationships/intentional-dialogue-exercise-the-steps/all

Clinton Power “The Number One Communication Mistake Couple’s Make
https://clintonpower.com.au/2018/07/communication-mistake-couples-make/

 

1 Comment

  • Vintage house restaurant Posted January 25, 2019 8:21 AM

    An outstanding share! I have just forwarded this onto a coworker who was conducting a little homework on this.
    And he in fact bought me lunch due to the fact that I found it for him…
    lol. So let me reword this…. Thank YOU for the meal!!
    But yeah, thanks for spending time to discuss this topic here on your web page.

Comments are closed.

Skip to toolbar