When any difficult issue came up in my relationship with my husband, Ken, my first response was to look to where he was “wrong” or “insensitive” or “lacking.” I often saw him as the primary source of the discord or conflict we were experiencing.
Despite knowing it takes “two to tango”, I still spent more time blaming him and wanting him to change his behavior than I did trying to understand my part in the dynamic/dance.
Finding my strategy inadequate and tiring of the “conflict drama”, I was inspired to find another way to show up and to create the kind of relationship I yearned for (and knew was possible).
While studying the work of couple therapist, Terry Real, I began to see how important boundaries are in relationships. According to Real, intimate partners are able to function optimally when they possess secure self-esteem and set clear, firm boundaries. Like a good fence, boundaries serve as a barrier to both contain what’s inside and protect against what’s outside it. Healthy psychological boundaries enable partners to better contain their impulses and to preserve the core sense of themselves in their interactions with one another.
Psychological Boundaries Defined
According to Real, psychological boundaries can be divided into two components.
- Protective boundaries which protects you from the world, and
- Containing boundaries which protects the world (or your partner) from you.
In my previous Blog, “I Didn’t Have Good Boundaries! Do You? Part I – How I Learned to Protect Myself When Reactivity is Aimed at Me,”, I explored Protective Boundaries and how I recognized the importance to both my self-esteem and to my marriage of setting boundaries to establish in what kinds of relationship dynamics I was willing (or not willing) to participate. It was important for me to:
- Stop “overreacting” or “being wounded” by my partner’s thoughts or feelings, and
- Stop taking responsibility for my partners’ thoughts or feelings and/or blaming him for mine
Protecting Others from Me: Containment Boundaries
The next step for me was to look at how I was projecting negativity out towards Ken and how my actions and speech were a factor in the conflict and discord between us. This took a bit more introspection and honesty as I turned the spotlight on my own behavior. When first exploring the concept of containment boundaries, I took the stance that since anger wasn’t a frequent emotion for me, this might not be a road I needed to go down. However, while studying more about boundaries, I realized that I may have more dysfunctional tendencies than I realized (or wanted to admit).
Containment boundaries help us not spill over our negative reactivity (anger, contempt, righteousness, etc.) on to our partners. Real contends that the containment dimension of these borders is a necessary requirement for closeness because without exercising restraint, intimate partners are at risk of imposing themselves upon one another.
Here’s some guidelines that are helping me learn restraint to prevent saying things I regret; to keep from spewing out hurtful attacks that can take such a toll long term in a relationship; and acting in harmful ways that undermine safety and trust between us (porous containment boundaries).
5 Losing Strategies: When My Boundaries Are Porous
Terry Real advocates that if intimate partners are going to improve their relationships, they must come to terms with the insecure perceptions and fears that undermine their capacity. They must learn to rely on the secure parts of themselves. One must refrain from engaging in losing strategies that keep one stuck in the one-up or one-down position they often take with their partner.
(In a power based relationship, one person is in the “one-up” position, the position of power, and the other is in the “one-down” submissive position. According to Real, the problem in adult relationships is that the one-up/one-down framework makes intimacy impossible.)
When seen from the lens of Terry Real’s Losing Strategies in Relationships, I can now recognize that at one time or another I’ve employed all of these in my relationship with Ken. The five losing strategies are:
1. needing to be right
2. being overly controlling
3. expressing unbridled emotion
4. reacting with retaliation, and
5. engaging in withdrawal.
Being Right: This involves the need to be correct above the need to preserve an intimate relationship (i.e. Do you want to be right or in relationship?). If one’s boundaries are particularly rigid, being right is typically expressed in righteous indignation. “I’ve told you what I think about this and you should just accept it.” “I know this is the right way, since I’ve been doing it this way for years.”
Controlling: Involves trying to minimize the discrepancy between what you want and what you have by constantly trying to get your partner to think and behave in a manner that is in line with your own interest. In its most intense form, bullying and cajoling are common behaviors. “If you would only act differently, I wouldn’t get so hurt and disappointed.” If you really loved me, you would call or text me at least once a day.”
Unbridled self-expression: In an effort to be right or to exert control, it is easy to take a one-up or one-down position by expressing raw and unbridled frustration towards one another. In either position, it is easy to believe that unfettered expression of one’s feelings is an inalienable right. In the extreme, one often imposes their own emotional reactions onto their partners without regard for their feelings and sensitivities. “I can’t believe you are so stubborn and unhelpful. “If you didn’t have such low self-esteem, you wouldn’t be so sensitive about this issue.”
Retaliation and Withdrawal: If the first 3 strategies don’t work, it’s easy to turn to retaliation and withdrawal. Both of these strategies are “tit-for-tat” that are opposite sides of the same coin. In retaliation, we punish the other for the hurt we’ve experienced. “If you shout at me, I will shout at you just as loud.” “If you aren’t ready on time, I will just go without you.”
In withdrawal, partners certainly retaliate, but they do so in an indirect, passive-aggressive manner. We withdraw in order to feel safe or protected. “If you hurt me, I’ll disengage from you.” “I don’t care what you do, I’m going to my room.”
If one partner’s boundaries are particularly rigid, Real observes that the most common retaliatory strategy is avenging from the victim position (one-down). As Real (2007) observes, “Whenever you offend from the victim position, you wind up in the absurd position of being a perpetrator who feels like he’s being victimized even as he attacks.”. “If you hit me, I get to hit you back twice as hard, with no shame or compunction because, after all, I’m your victim.” (p 52)
If you find that you are participating in any of these losing strategies, you might want to take a close look at your actions and reactions when encountering negativity in your relationship. I invite you to take the following “Boundary Assessment” by Paul David in order to take stock of how you employ boundaries (or not) in your relationship and how your behavior might contribute to your relational “dance.”
Boundary Assessment
Instructions: Please assess the boundaries you typically set and the ensuing patterns of interaction you
engage in with your partner. There are no right or wrong answers in this assessment. Try to be as honest
and thoughtful as you can.
1. Place a “X” anywhere on the scale below that best represents where you typically set your
containment boundaries with your partner.
?—————————————–?——————————————-?
Too Porous Firm Too Rigid
2. Place a “X” anywhere on the scale below that best represents where you typically set your
protection boundaries with your partner.
?—————————————–?——————————————-?
Too Porous Firm Too Rigid
3. Based on your ratings above, what areas of your boundary setting (protection and/or
containment) do you believe could use the most improvement?
4. Identify which of the losing interaction strategies you most typically employ in your
relationship with your partner (check all that apply):
— Needing to be Right
— Being Overly Controlling
— Expressing Unbridled Emotion
— Reacting with Retaliation
— Engaging in Withdrawal
5. Identify which of these losing interaction strategies you typically employ cause the most
dissatisfaction in your relationship:
6. Identify which of the winning interaction strategies you most typically employ in your
relationship with your partner (check all that apply): ?
— Focusing on Requests
— Speaking Out with Kindness
— Responding with Generosity
— Empowering your Partner
— Cherishing the Relationship
7. Identify which of these winning interaction strategies you typically employ cause the most
satisfaction in your relationship:
8. What changes do you believe you need to make in the ways in which you interact and set
boundaries so you can be more in a same-as position with your partner? Be as specific as you
can.
. Place a “X” anywhere on the scale below that best represents the extent to which you think your partner disagrees or agrees with the responses you have provided in this assessment.
?—————————————–?——————————————?
Disagrees Disagrees/Agrees Agrees
References: My husband, Ken, and I have been students of Terry Real for many years. Although much of the information for this Blog can be found in “The New Rules of Marriage”, we have also listened to scores of his webinars, YouTube talks and lectures. We are grateful for the boundary model Real has developed and how it provides a useful means for understanding and enhancing intimate relationships.
