Three Steps to
STOP FIGHTING

& START RELATING!

– 3 Steps to radically improve your relationship to conflict –
– And, your Relationship!

It happens in all relationships:
The ‘romance’ fades while concerns about commitment, money, freedom, (fill in the blank for your own partner issues) begin to come up.

Well, first, know you’re not alone; Most therapists say that virtually all couples, go through a sometimes-protracted period of conflict. Even in a great relationship.

Dr. John Gottman reports that Conflict is normal and unavoidable. Furthermore, in his extensive observational research, he found that “Over 69% of problems in a relationship are unsolvable” –

Dr. John Gottman– “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”

So how can we have a loving, successful relationship if the conflict in it is unsolvable? Dr. Ed Tronic, in his now equally famous observational research at the University of Massachusetts, found that it wasn’t avoiding conflict that worked, but rather that – “It is …the Rapid Repair from an upset … that creates the relational Safety, Trust and Connection we so desire”.

(Ed Tronic speaking with Couple’s therapist Terry Real in 2018- Video)

Prof. Tronic goes on to say that conflict may be happily livable when there is rapid repair of the issue. – That is, by rapidly repairing conflict you and your partner can develop trust that you can more quickly return to an easier, trusting, and friendly state we call “Relational Coupledom”.

SO –

HERE are the THREE THINGS TO DO TO
STOP FIGHTING AND START RELATING

#1: STOP – TIME OUT Responsibly!

If you feel you’re about to say something you’ll regret later, don’t just walk out and slam the door – that’s mean and a big power trip.  Better to, as Family Therapist Terry Real says, “use time-outs as a circuit breaker – – A time-out is a rip-stop; it is the cord you pull to stop a runaway train, a brake, the thing you use to HALT an interaction that either has crossed over into, or is quickly crossing over into, haywire”. Time-outs have one job and one job only – to stop a psychologically violent or unconstructive interaction between you and your partner.”

Time-Outs are part Skill, part Intent, and part Awareness; they require practice and the intention to reconnect. Even well-done, they are only the first of three things you need to do in order to responsibly take control of your fighting.

We highly recommend you study Terry Real’s “10 Commandments for Taking a Time-Out” for a safe, responsible and sane way to do time-outs.

#2: WHILE ON YOUR TIME-OUT, DO SELF-RECOVERY (printable form HERE)  Otherwise, you’ll probably just start the fight back up again, since you probably haven’t actually gotten to the issue – the values underlying your conflict, and leave-taking requires some Self-Responsible introspection to be accountable for your role in the upset.

Self-Recovery has three parts:
A: Write down what you’re telling yourself about your situation and your partners’ role. This is very important to do because we often suppress these upset parts – they need to be heard and acknowledged by you so you can deal with what is actually going on inside. It’s also vital that once written, you destroy this section. Do not let your partner or others see it – it’s for you and you alone to take in and understand

B: Write down what Feelings* come up for you having heard your upset part. Circle those that seem most important.

C: Write down what Values or Needs * were not met for you; circle those that seem to ‘jump out’ at you.
– Now you may have a sense of what is/was going on for you –

-(Option) If the argument was particularly difficult, write down what you think your partner might have been a; thinking, b; feeling – and c; needing / valuing that might not have been met for them.

Here again, is a link to the Self Recovery form we created to help organize your review.

Below are links to Feelings & Need lists * to gain new, and possibly more accurate understanding for yourself:

Lists of Feelings*                                      List of Needs*

* (c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication
Website: www.cnvc.org Email: cnvc@cnvc.org

After doing the above, if you have noticed a ‘Shift’ in your feelings about the argument/your partner, you may be ready to do step three below – 

#3 Rapid Repair using the “Brief Reconnection Practice or 1:1:1” with your partner

A: By using the above link & process – that is, each partner stating ONE Thought, ONE Feeling and ONE Value or Need (and having it reflected back by each other), you may find that: Couples can often come to a very real healing around whatever started up an argument – and be reconnected – by just holding themselves to 1:1:1 each – saving undue time, drama -and upset.

B: If you feel there is more mutual understanding needed, you may want to have a longer, more complete dialogue (now or scheduled for a later date).

C: If you still don’t feel fully satisfied – and the issue that triggered the argument in the first place is still ‘alive’ for either of you, you might contact us for a complimentary 20-minute consult.

D: You might also request support from a Counselor/Therapist/Friend.

Whatever you choose, DO get help for issues that don’t go away; they seldom, if ever, ‘fix’ themselves!

NOTE: Our 4 Sunday afternoon Level II Couples Dialogue Workshop directly addresses these issues and offers a very cost-effective way to help Stop Fighting and Start Relating. It’s being offered June 9 through June 30 and is $200 per couple. Click this LINK for more information or to Register.

-our thanks to Kathleen Golden, MA, for much of this three-step model