This particular method of using specific phrases, understandings and techniques was established by Kathleen Golden, MA, an experienced Nonviolent Communication (NVC) teacher and therapist /counselor/coach for individual and couples on the Big Island, Hawaii. She compiled this technique based on the teachings and writings of Harville Hendricks PhD, Marshall Rosenberg, PhD, Jack Zimmerman, PhD and Jacquelyn McCandless, Md. Since learning this technique from Kathleen, we have added additional phrasing and nuances learned from other couples’ teachers and therapists, including Terry Real, MA, Pete Peterson and Ellyn Bader, PhDs. See “Bibliography” on our website.
There are several key concepts and practices that underlie the Dialogue Practice as we teach it:
- Reflection or Mirroring – as taught by Harville Hendricks and Marshall Rosenberg.
Briefly, Harville calls it “Mirroring” and it involves listening to your partner’s comments, restating them without altering their meaning, and then asking for confirmation that you “got it… ”
Reflection in Marshall’s words, is “To make sure the message we sent is the message that’s received, ask the listener to reflect it back… in their own words what they heard us say.”
2) Council for Couples – as taught by Jack Zimmerman and Jacquelyn McCandless
“The council process is an effective form for developing the practice of deep listening and honest heartfelt expression. Council can be used for articulating feelings, making decisions, resolving conflicts, co-visioning, sustaining authentic dialogue and many other basic needs in intimate partnerships….. In a couples’ council, couples take turns sitting across from each other. Each partner speaks until he or she is finished and then passes the talking piece to the other partner. Each partner attempts to both express him / herself and understand the others values and needs with respect and appreciation. The purpose is to be present, to connect and to understand one another in a mutually empowered and creative way.” (From an article by Kathleen Golden, called “The Council Process. See full article at www.dialoguepracticegroup.weebly.com.
The talking piece can be any object that has special meaning to the participants and can be part of a more elaborate ritual for setting the stage for the communication process. See “Flesh and Spirit” by Jack and Jacqueline.
About Ken and Dee:
We have both been involved in communications and human interactive work throughout our working lives. In 2009, at the beginning of our relationship, we added an important new element called dialogue adapted from the work of Harville Hendrix by Kathleen Golden, MA. In 2011, now both (semi) retired, we began teaching this technique to other couples and individuals on both Oahu and Maui.
We love the intimacy, understanding and spiritual deepening that these techniques have contributed to our lives and to other couples in committed relationships. We continue to be encouraged to share these powerful techniques because of the relevancy of using these skills in any relationship to deepen connection and understanding. Recent advances in brain science and couple’s therapy only reinforce what we have found to ‘work’ – we invite you to see if it ‘works’ for you too.
Our Coaches:
Robert Leonesio & Zoe Alexander:
Robert and his wife Zoe Alexander attended our first couples’ workshop in 2011 and singly or together, have been Coaching with us in our “Safe Conversations dialogue Workshop” ever since. The Dialogue skills they have honed (plus their own professions and life skills and community leadership in such things as the Maui forum) have made them capable, compassionate and empathetic coaches.
James Tolley:
James first attended our workshop with his partner in 2014. A practicing Buddhist and a certified “Safe Conversations” facilitator, his coaching skills have contributed greatly to the experience of the couples attending our workshops.
Our Coaches are a tremendous help in us helping you; without them, we would be much more limited in the number of persons and quality of support in this particularly individual style teaching entails. In addition, they have given us helpful critiques and feedback for our development as teachers and facilitators of these skills. See “About Us” page on our website for more info.
Dee and Ken, 1/12/2018