Five Losing and Five Winning Strategies: The Repair Process by Terry Real

“The New Rules of Marriage”

Terrance Real

The Five Losing Strategies

1. Needing to be Right
   1. Finding out whose view is more “valid” or “accurate.”
   2. Leads to endless objectivity battles.
   3. Fuels the psychological violence of self-righteous indignation.
2. Controlling Your Partner
   1.  Can be direct or indirect (manipulation).
   2. Short of outright coercion, control is an illusion.
   3. People don’t like being controlled.  Payback is inevitable.
3. Unbridled Self-Expression
   1. “I have the right and the need to share my feelings with you ‘spontaneously.’”
   2. The Idea that all sharing is authentic and will increase closeness.
   3. Rarely endangers generosity in others.
4. Retaliation
   1. Perverse justice: “Offending from the victim position.”
   2. Perverse communication: trying to make you feel what I feel.”
   3. Can be explicit or covert (passive aggression).
5. Withdrawal
   1. Differs from responsible distance taking.
   2. Stems from either resignation or retaliation.
   3. Often masquerades as mature acceptance.

The Five Winning Strategies

1. Shifting from Complaint to Request
   1. Move from a negative/past to a positive/future focus. Don’t criticize – ask!
   2. Make your requests specific, behavioral, and reasonable.
2. Speaking Out with Love and Savvy
   1. Contract with your partner to engage in the repair process.
   2. Remember love.
   3. Use the four steps of the feedback wheel:
      1. What I saw or heard
      2. What I made up about it
      3. How I feel about it
      4. What I’d like
      5. Let go of outcome.
3. Responding with Generosity
   1. Listen to understand.
   2. Acknowledge whatever you can.
   3. Give whatever you can.
4. Empowering Each Other
   1. Acknowledge the gifts the responder has offered.
   2. Ask what you might do to help the responder deliver.
   3. Acknowledge whatever you can and give whatever you can.
5. Cherishing
   1. Remember abundance.
   2. .  Give your partner specific positive feedback.
   3. Nourish yourself and your relationship with time and energy.
   4. Practice smart generosity.
   5. Inhabit your talents and gifts without owning or disowning them.
   6. Give back to the world.

The Repair Process:

Phase One: Speaking and Listening

1. Speak out with love and savvy
   1. Remember love
   2. Use the feedback wheel
2. Listen with a generous heart
   1. Contention becomes curiosity
   2. Understand the internal logic of your partner’s experience
   3. Questions stop when you can accurately reflect and empathize

Phase Two: Responding with a Generous Spirit

1. Clarify your partner’s wishes
2. Acknowledge whatever you can
3. Give whatever you can

Phase Three: Empowering Each Other

1. Switch roles
   1. Speaker appreciates and then asks how he might help his partner
   2. Listener makes a request
   3. Speaker acknowledges and gives
2. Both seal deal and appreciate

From personcoaching.com/documents/TheNewRulesofMarriage.doce Repair Process Overview