Would you like to really be heard? Try Dialogue

(Basic Dialogue Skills – Overview)

The primary skill set we teach in our work with couples is called Dialogue. Taught by many couples experts and called by different names, most of the communication model we use in our teaching comes from well know couple’s therapist, Harville Hendrix. In our model we have also added a bit from the language of Non Violent Communication (NVC). We hope the explanation of the Dialogue process written by one of our coaches, Zoe Alexander, will help inform or remind you of this simple but powerful communication tool.

There are many ways to communicate. They are not “right” or “wrong”. Rather, they are useful for different purposes. For example, Ordinary Communication does not have a clear speaker and a clear listener. Rather, both people tend to be speaking and listening at the same time. It can be useful for quick, relatively superficial, communications that are focused on easy information exchange.

In contrast, the Dialogue Process uses a clear speaker and a clear listener. It is useful to deepen connection and intimacy. It enables each person to be fully heard, fostering greater connection to each other, as well as deeper self-connection. It is especially useful for communications including emotional content. A Talking Stick is often used to help maintain the clear separation between Speaker and Listener.

In Dialogue, there is an emphasis on completing each communication – i. e., making sure that each communication is heard accurately.

To assist in making sure that each communication is heard accurately, Dialog has developed some simple phrases that need to be practiced repeatedly until they are automatic. For the Speaker, at the end of each communication, s/he says, “Would you be willing to tell me what you heard me say?”

For the listener, there are three essential phrases. First, the Listener begins each response with “I heard you….” (e. g., “say …”, “are thinking…”, “are feeling…”). When the Listener is complete with his/her reflection, the Listener asks, “Did I get that right?”

When the Speaker acknowledges that s/he feels accurately heard, the Listener then prompts the Speaker to continue by asking, “Is there more?”

When the Speaker feels heard and is ready to listen, the Speaker says, “Now that I feel heard, I’m curious what’s up for you.” The previous Listener then becomes the new Speaker, and the previous Speaker becomes the new Listener.

To develop good habits of listening and speaking in Dialogue, it is useful to use these phrases even if they feel stilted at first. After these habits are well developed in both partners in the Dialogue, these phrases can be relaxed and used only when needed.

Edited by Zoe Alexander, August 20, 2012