How to Have an Important Conversation With Your Partner

A Simple step-by-step System to have more Joyful Aliveness in your Relationship

Do You find yourself complaining about your partner / relationship? When’s the last time you spent time with them – just for the joy of being connected? Our busy, over-scheduled lives and, possibly, the avoidance of “difficult” topics often lead to a feeling of emptiness, frustration and resentment in our primary relationships. Here’s how to reclaim more joyful aliveness for yourself and your partner!

(Disclaimer: You will have to do something different to change the way things are now. Give yourself – and your relationship – 15 minutes to ½ an hour to set things up).

SETTING THINGS UP FOR A SUCCESSFUL SAFE CONVERSATION

• • 1st: Figure out what’s really going on for you by taking the time to listen to what your telling yourself inside – write it down. It may feel strange at first but let it all out. All of it*. Keep writing ‘till that upset part inside feels complete – don’t stop before.  Once you’ve taken in what’s going on for that upset part*, destroy the writing. Do NOT give to or read it to or leave it for your partner to see. This upset voice is important for you to hear, but it’s probably triggering for your partner. It’s for you and your understanding only.

• • 2nd: Notice how you feel hearing / reading your upset – write down the feelings that come up. If you can’t think of any, or the feeling doesn’t seem quite right, use this feelings list link to help expand your sense of understanding. Circle the one or two that stand out. It can feel really good to nail down what’s going on for yourself. If you’ve done our workshop, these lists are in your Couple’s workbook.

• • 3rd: Now see what value or need is not being met when you focus on that feeling (above). Here’s a link to a useful Values / Needs list to help “land” why the feeling(s) you’re having exist. Write down one or two or three and circle the most relevant. As with feelings, you’ll know inside when you “get it.’ Circle ONE, maybe two of the feelings that most resonate – you can always come back and explore more later.

At this point, you will probably notice a sense of completeness or more understanding as to what’s going on for you – which was the point; to become grounded in what’s going on – for me. Often, when we try to bring up an issue we’re having with our partner, we don’t have much understanding – we just know we’re upset. Launching into a discussion in that state usually results in our transmitting that upset to our partner, which usually triggers them. Once either of you is triggered, it is exponentially more difficult to have a healing conversation. So, doing your ‘homework’ beforehand is crucial to having a safe & connecting conversation.

Ok; you’ve taken the time to know what you’re telling yourself, how you feel and what needs or values are not being met for you. What’s next?

SCHEDULE A TIME TO TALK: Don’t just barge into your partner’s mental space with your agenda; ASK FOR A TIME TO TALK. Be willing to chunk it down into manageable time-frames. Men in general – and some women too – may be afraid of l o o n n g talks, so if 15 minutes is all they will be willing to do, agree and limit your dialogue to the agreed upon 15 minutes at a time. Once they experience you stopping at the agreed upon time, they may become more trusting you won’t drag them into more than they are willing to do and be willing to extend the dialogue.

If they aren’t ready / available, ask when they would be and schedule a time accordingly. Both of you are responsible for showing up ready to take the time, especially the person who has asked for a different time.

HAVE A SAFE CONVERSATION by taking turns speaking and listening, not interrupting and reflecting accurately what you heard. We assume most persons who have read this far have taken our Couple’s Dialogue workshop and have a working knowledge of the model. If you haven’t, consider contacting us to help get you started, either in our workshop or individual sessions. It’s a simple model, and it takes some integration to do well.

If you don’t yet have a solid working knowledge of how to do dialogue, just remember:

Be patient. Speak in short sentences talking about what you heard or saw that got you upset, confused, etc., etc. DO NOT talk about what you told yourself (Step #1). DO talk about how you felt, and what need or value was not met for you.

Ask if your partner can reflect back what s/he heard you say so you can confirm you’re both talking about the same thing. If they can, great; if they can’t see if you can restate that part in smaller, simpler chunks…

Once you feel you’ve been heard (or the time is up), ask what might be up for your partner having heard you.

Listen and reflect back to the best of your ability.

Remain curious. You’re looking for being heard and understood, not world peace.

Hopefully, knowing what’s going on for yourself will allow you to express more clearly and give your partner an opportunity to hear you more clearly – and vice versa.

IF YOU FIND YOU’RE NOT ABLE TO HAVE THE SAFE & SUCCESSFUL CONVERSATION, add Two More Steps and then try again:

Review the first three steps (What was I thinking, Feeling, Needing) and then add #4: What do I think my partner was Feeling? Use the same feeling list as before and see if you can guess how your partner felt. Write down one or two and circle the one(s) you think are closest.

#5: Ask yourself what you think your partner’s unmet Values or Needs were. Again, use the list to help you grasp what might have been going on for them.

If you find yourself getting upset at your partner when doing # 4 or 5, it probably means you’re not yet ready, (you’re getting triggered, and are probably sending out feelings that are making it hard for your partner to take in) and so you should go back to your own #1, 2, and 3 ‘till your feel ‘flat’ about #4 and 5.

IF THESE FIVE STEPS STILL DON’T WORK:

If you encounter real difficulty, especially if you keep coming back to the same topic / situation, it may be time to get outside support. Your minister, rabbi, trusted, capable friends or ourselves may prove valuable in being able to bridge the communication gap and allow the re-connection you (both) would so enjoy. We offer a free, 20 minute consultation by phone to see if we could be a good fit for your situation. Our phone number is 808-575-9754, and we are happy to take your call.