Why “bandwidth” is SO Important in talking with your partner
Or
How to know When to hold ‘em, & When to fold ‘em

Without realizing it, we may want to talk with our partners when we’re WAY too upset for constructive conversation. We may have a frustrated, or angry, or fearful part that simply wants to be heard and understood getting in the way. As Kenny Rogers so famously sang:

“Ya gotta know when to hold ‘em, Know when to fold ‘em,
Know when to walk away, know when to run…”

SO – how can we know when / which we should do? The idea of ‘Bandwidth’ is helpful:
“Bandwidth” is the relative amount of ease, care and compassion we have available before we become unable to communicate effectively; i.e., before a topic becomes toxic to the relationship.

The idea of bandwidth is a way of understanding our underlying emotions.

Auditorily, big, ‘good’ bandwidth is evidenced by a soft, caring, regular tone with ‘normal’ or slightly lower volume. Accurate, simple, short responses done with curiosity are key indicators of having the bandwidth to stay in a conversation with your speaking partner. If you don’t hear yourself saying things this way, you’re out of ‘bandwidth’. Period.

Visually, gazing (vs glaring) at your partner is a good clue to notice how much bandwidth you may have access to. If you glance at yourself in the mirror, you’ll know if you’re out of bandwidth! Your face is a great way to know.

Another visual way of understanding Bandwidth is our new ‘Reactivity Meter’: The greater our reactivity, the less “bandwidth” we have to be good communicators.

* Green means good to go

* Yellow means “Caution! – PAUSE and see if you can get back to green

* Red or any amount of Orange means “STOP! NO BANDWIDTH! – Time-Out Now!”

How to know if you’re ready to Hold ‘em or Fold ‘em:

A: Stop and notice where think you are on the Reactivity Meter scale.

B: If you’re between 50 and 60, you’re probably needing to PAUSE; -hold up your hand, palm down, to indicate ‘pause’ – stop speaking, BREATHE out slowly Two or Three times and see if you can drop back into the Green. Being in the Yellow zone DOES NOT mean you’re ready to initiate or continue a conversation – no matter how capable you’re telling yourself you are. This is because there is probably that upset part (above) that’s wanting to express and be heard, rather than carry on a conversation – see C and D below.

C: if you’re at 60 or ABOVE, you’re needing to FOLD; to STOP, Time-out and attempt to get more connected with what’s going on for you. For help with this, see our “Self-Recovery – Preparing for Dialogue” 

D: if you’re below 50 you may be ready to have that important conversation. Click here for support on doing it as a Dialogue.

Note 1: We used to teach the ‘Reactivity Meter” as a “Safety Meter” with a linear, 0 – 100 regular progression. We realize now that, after ~ 50 (yellow), we emotionally start switching precipitously from ON/ to /OFF, from relatively calm and capable to entirely UN-able, UN-willing and In-capable of compassionate dialogue.  Additionally, there is virtually no ‘Bandwidth’ after 60. That’s why our new “Reactivity Meter” changes so rapidly from 50 on up. The Green – Yellow – Red traffic signal metaphor really means just that – GO – PAUSE – STOP.

Note 2: Expect to fail at first; learning when to stop is a Process and takes practice. If you work on awareness of where you are emotionally (perhaps using the Reactivity Meter) progress will look like SLOWING DOWN & PAUSING FASTER on Yellow and QUICKER STOPS on Orange or Red. If you’re having difficulty, we are available to support you through our workshops, private sessions or phone consultations . ~ Ken and Dee